Does Absence Really Make The Heart Grow Fonder?

Once upon a time, the salsa scene was a big part of my social life. And then … not so much. After eight years – and accumulating what felt like a million miles on my dance shoes – I just stopped going. I can actually count on one hand how many times I went dancing last year (four) and during that time, many people have asked me: “Why don’t I see you out anymore? Don’t you miss dancing?”

Well, frankly – no. Otherwise I would have been coming out!

The sudden loss of passion surprised even me – as I thought I’d be a die-hard “dancing-almost-evey-night-of-the-week-and-goes-to-all-the-congresses” type of gal forever.  But soon, even the sounds of salsa made me cringe.

I can’t pin this desire to leave it all behind me on any one reason. I wasn’t hiding from anyone, I didn’t have an injury, but I did want to devote more time to family and friends, and give more attention to these relationships that I neglected. I also focused on my career, but for the most part and perhaps the biggest reason why I disappeared off the dance floor is that I wanted something new in my life. I thought Kizomba might be the thing to reignite the fire, but that interest was short-lived. I craved something … well, SOMETHING!

So, I’ve been exploring other creative outlets and activities, and throughout this time off the dance floor, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I have a stronger sense of self – of who I am and what I want – and I found the balance. I guess that’s what exploring can do for you. Living for one sole activity for so many years can make a person feel one-dimensional. Well, at least it did for me.

And so the question remains: Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Will I ever crave salsa like I used to? I don’t know. But I do find myself looking at the invites with stronger consideration to attend. I just may even see you out on the dance floor again soon.

The 5-second Rule

The moment when you are about to eat something really, really tasty – perhaps one of your favorite foods – but you accidentally drop it on the floor…and if nobody is watching, you pick it up, dust it off and eat it anyway because it’s just too good to go to waste…how many of you have done this? Yup, I’m sure we all know about this thing called the 5-second rule.

The thing about the 5-second rule and why we can often look past the whole eww-that's-gross thing is because we know that if we eat it, it won’t hurt us. We can handle it without getting too creeped out because we know that in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a big deal. And the payout (the tasty treat) is often worth it.

So, it makes me wonder why we don’t extend a similar principle to the acquaintances we know in the salsa scene.

Let me explain…

You may have, once upon a time, considered these acquaintances to be closer friends – you took the same classes, frequented the same salsa nights, travelled to congresses together, shared a few celebratory drinks and lots of great conversations – you get the picture. My point is, you never had a falling out with this person, you just…lost touch. Perhaps you stopped taking class, or the other got busy with work and didn’t go out to the club that often. Whatever the circumstances, you just saw them less. No fights, just…less.

You see, 5 seems to be a magic number. Once you pass 5 weeks of not seeing someone on the regular, I’ve observed how that much more awkward people seem to get. But I’m here to tell you, it’s OK to say hi. It’s OK to mingle and exchange pleasantries. It’s totally OK! It won't hurt. You can handle it. It's not a big deal. It's soooo OK! What’s not OK is walking past them without so much as even a nod or smile of acknowledgement. Hey, if you bachata or kizomba, we know you are not shy!

So, respect your fellow dancers in the community. Those past moments you shared are not a waste …whether it’s been 5 seconds, 5 weeks, or 5 months, a friendly attitude goes a long way. Positive energy is infectious and I can guarantee that the payout will be worth it.

Dress To Impress

When I hear the phrase "dress to impress" for salsa events, the contents of my closet floats around in my head and I quickly have to discard half of my clothes because they are not “salsa appropriate” – I’d get too hot if I wore this, my boobs would pop out if I wore that, the colour would show ugly sweat stains, blah blah blah – and then I get a little cranky because I just want to dance and not worry about the Facebook paparazzi and my outfit-of-choice being immortalized in cyberspace.

Now, before I continue, let me pre-empt any rebuttals, as I can already hear my fashionista friends say something to the effect that we have to bring class back to salsa, instead of looking like slobs in sweat pants…I do confess that I bought a new dress for an upcoming big dance event, but my point is this:

I go out dancing to have a good time – to live in the moment. When I live in the moment and embrace life, does it really f*cking matter what I’m wearing? Because seriously, worrying about my wardrobe is a pretentious way to approach life…and salsa.

Salsa Stories

No, I haven't given up writing! I've been sharing my salsa stories with my P.O.S.E. Dance Company family and now I'm sharing them with you!

Click and Enjoy!

Flirtation vs Expression

Different Styles of Salsa Dancing

For the Love of Bachata

Turning "I Think I Can" into "I Know I Can"

A Salsa Snapshot

The Mysteries of Salsa

Dear Wonders of the World,

I love dancing with my boys. Toronto has some fabulous talent and our men don’t disappoint, but there is one thing that puzzles me. It doesn’t matter if I have an impromptu dance in my socks or if I wear 3.5 inch heels – if my hair is in a ponytail, it will inevitably get knocked around and my hair will be a hot mess by the end of the song.

I just don’t get it! The guys seem to be able to compensate for the varying heights of different women, or the varying heights of a woman’s shoes from day to day…but put her hair up, and the ‘do is done for.

I notice this in my travels as well, so the phenomenon is not native to my city. I don’t like getting my head knocked. So, please explain to me why this happens?

Love,

Me

The Eureka Moment

I used to hate dance class. Really.

When I was in theatre school, I had a class every day – either ballet, tap, jazz, or “performance” (which was learning a routine in any style/fusion as if in an audition setting). That class was my favorite because how you sold it was just as important as your technique. And when my grand jeté was not so grand, I was thankful that I could act my way out of it.

A dance class every day sounds pretty amazing, huh? Not for me. It was the part I dreaded most about theatre school. Try dancing beside people so talented that they could be crowned Canada’s Favorite Dancer, when you’re still trying to pronounce the word fouette correctly.

First thing on Monday mornings, they expected me to put on a tutu and take ballet. Ok, I didn’t have to wear a tutu, but who was I kidding? Nobody would mistake me for a prima ballerina, so why embarrass me by making me take this class? (And let me tell you, no amount of high-energy and big ol’ smiles can replace ballet technique, despite my attempts.)

“I’ll never be a ballerina, so why do I have to go?” I complained to my program director after he busted me for skipping. His reply, “It’s the foundation for all dance. Just go to class.”

So, I went to ballet. I hated every minute of it, but I went. It didn’t make sense to me – how to express myself in that style – but I went.

Fast forward some years and now, I love dance class. Why? Because I found salsa. It made sense!

Now, I love going to dance class, no matter what style. Even if I look like a complete nerd, I’ll bust out the house moves. Even if I look like I have two left feet, I’ll try a bollywood class…I’ll even go to ballet!

Was it the salsa music that changed my perception and helped me appreciate all types of dance class? I think there is definitely a little magic in the mambo…

Click for a flashback moment! “This is Fosse, honey. We don’t do 1-2-3s. We do ka-donks, ka-doonks and za-zas!”

The Fear

The motto You Only Live Once is embedded in every dance-related item out there. I see a Facebook post, a tweet or a flyer about how amazing an event is going to be; I read about how beneficial a workshop would be to further develop my skills; I see pictures of friends having a blast at a party...

All of these messages are basically shouting, "Come on! You only live once (YOLO!) so enjoy! All your friends are going and you'll be disappointed if you miss out!"

But realistically, I can’t go to every event or social when I want to enjoy activities and relationships outside of dance (and sometimes, a really, really good rerun of Golden Girls is on, and no amount of “likes” on a Facebook post will get me out of my PJs). Some people take it as a personal attack if I don’t show up to their gig for a while, but I eventually make my way back, ‘cuz you know, I like that dancing stuff.

However, in my absence, something always seemed to creep up on me: FOMO.

Do you ever get that? FOMO – otherwise known as the Fear of Missing Out.

You rationalize that you’ve been to what feels like a million of these socials and events, and missing one or two won’t matter. But as soon as you read your Facebook pal’s check-in, you start to wonder if you made a colossal mistake by attempting to have a life outside of salsa. Ahh FOMO!

Yet, isn’t Facebook (and Twitter, Tumblr, and maybe one day – if Justin Timberlake has anything to say about it – MySpace 2.0) designed to make us feel like our lives suck? I mean, people highlight the best of their life, not their worst. Ok fine, social media isn’t designed to make us feel like shit, but a study published earlier this year says the more you use Facebook, the more likely you are to believe that other people lead happier and better lives than you do. And that, my friends, is what fuels FOMO.

So, how do we put a stop to FOMO? Go to every single event, congress, club and social, even if it means we neglect our jobs, or family, or bank account balance? Delete our social networking sites entirely?

How about this: we just simply enjoy wherever life takes us, even if the sound of the clave won’t be heard that day…we just simply accept that even if the pictures we see of a salsa event look fantastic, there will soon be another party we can go to. We can just simply let go of the fear…because life is meant to be enjoyed.

Signed,

Confessions of an ex-FOMO-victim social dancer